Nazgul Communications
by LaurielS
Summary: What the Nazguls secretly thought during the LOTR. Chapter 4 (Chapter 1 not yet written), Post Bruinen. "We have failed. We need to go back now." Because I forgot to feed my pet wargs, thought 9. This is a parody-you have been warned. Reviews and comments are welcomed!
1. Chapter 2

**Nazgul Communications**

Author's Note: Yet another attempt at humour that struck me when I was awake at un-Middle-Earthly hours. Chapter 1 may or may not be out soon because the plot bunny struck halfway into the book rather than at the starting of the book. This chapter may be changed depending on how Chapter 1 goes. If Chapter 1 does not materialise, then this will be Chapter 1.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, just my own ideas

**Chapter 2 **(Because Chapter 1 isn't written yet)

Ring ring, the Telepathic Telephone of Number 1 (also equipped in each of the Ringwraiths) sounded. With a sigh, Number 1 stopped talking to 2, 4, 5 and 7 outside Bree and picked up the phone.

"Yes, my Lord?"

"We have received word that the halflings are seen on their way to Weathertop."

"Going there now, Dark Lord. Numbers 2, 4, 5, 7 and myself have met up. We will be on our way there now."

"I have contacted 3 and 6. Wait for them before you proceed."

"Five of us will be enough, my lord. More of us will end up dragging things. Better make it swift and quick."

"Might as well. Alright, you have my permission"

The line dropped dead. Turning, 1 gave a thumbs up sign to the rest and all were soon on their way to Weathertop.

When all of them gathered at the foot of Weathertop, 2 saw Strider leave and chuckled.

"They have foolishly set up a fire to flag themselves out. And the tall man is gone!" exclaimed 2.

"A fire?!" asked 5, sounding shocked, "Oh no! They have a fire! What if they burn us? And a saucepan! What if-"

"Paranoid," said 1. Before he could finish his words, however, the fire was quickly put out, thus also putting out 5's fears.

"Alright, let's go!" said 5, "Should we put a scout at the bottom to see when the tall man comes back?"

"No, all of us are needed for that job," said 4, "Besides, the Dark Lord would be happy to see that we are working together to finish off that Halfling. He might even give us a pay rise!"

At the thought of his soon-to-be-due pay, 4 gave a great screech of delight that gave the Nazgul's presence away. Number 1 wanted to berate him for his lack of thought, but decided against it. Not the time to destroy teamwork.

Very quickly, the Nazguls had ascended to the top of Weathertop. 1 telepathically transferred the plan in his head to the rest.

"Alright, everyone," 1 started, "let's form a semi circle when attacking them! I am sure they would not be able to escape anyway. Come to think of it, let us attack really slowly since they are all doomed to die and just in case the Dark Lord is watching, we shall all put our swords down at the same time, forming a pretty pattern and showing we are able to coordinate without talking, alright? He would be so proud of us."

"Wouldn't things be more efficient if we, you know, just attack now?" questioned 2 telepathically.

"No, we must give them a chance to fend for themselves," was all 1 said, without explaining why. 2 secretly thought that that was not the wisest thing to do.

Just as they approached, one of the hobbits tried to fight back but was knocked away easily by 4. 7 then proceeded to yank the other two away, leaving Frodo in clear view of the Nazguls.

"And now… the one we want," said 1. "Let us still slowly approach him. Wait, he dropped his sword? Thought he was made of sterner stuff than that."

"Heard he might have stabbed back in one of the other versions," whispered 7 unnecessarily.

"Oh, hurry up," said 2 impatiently, rolling his not-really-existent eyes.

"Oh, oh! He is putting his ring on!" continued 1, ignoring 2's comment, "Let ME be the one who takes it from you. The rest of you, back down because there is no way things can go wrong from here," ordered 1. As he saw Frodo put on the ring, 1 smirked. "Too bad!" he spoke to no one in particular.

2 sighed. "Oh, get the ring already, 1!"

"Almost," 1 said hopefully, before his eyes landed on the newest form that put itself between him and Frodo. "Argh!" screamed 1, Quick, retreat, now! We are no match for the Strider! We will be hacked to death by his sword! And fire! There is fire! We will be burnt alive!"

"Huh, I didn't know we were still alive," said 7 drily.

"Just, run!" shouted 1, "I stabbed the Halfling; he isn't going to live."

There was a moment of chaos when each of the Nazgul tried to do something, but most of them were attacking Strider, which 2 thought was a pretty silly thing to do. Instead, he did what he felt was most practical: to creep back and try to steal the ring. Unfortunately, he was spotted by Strider before he accomplished the task and was chased away as a result.

_Well_, thought 2, _I tried_. Looking at the hobbits, 2 thought to himself, _somehow I don't think 1 struck the heart_.

**-To be continued-**

Reviews and Comments are welcomed!


	2. Chapter 3

**Nazgul Communications**

Author's Note: Here's a quick update before I disappear again! Enjoy! (Answers to reviews are at the end of the story)

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or anything, except my own ideas. Some sentences are taken out from the book.

**Chapter 3**

"Well, that was close," said 7.

"We could have succeeded," said 2, "if 1 wasn't so slow."

"Er… I didn't put in all my effort because… because I know that there will be another chance! A better one!" said 1, "3, 6, 8 and 9 are…"

"Here," said the newly arrived four at once.

The nine of them began to plot together, and decided in the end that the best thing to do was to follow the hobbits. Since they realised that they needed time to rearrange their groupings, they decided only to start finding them after a good night's sleep, much to 2's horror. Not to say that most of them cannot even operate well under daylight.

As the next day began, all nine nazguls were sent out to patrol the area. It was not long before 3, having the sharpest eyes, spotted their target. However, Glorfindel, being the Elf-Lord he is, was not slow as well.

"Fly!" Glorfindel called, "Fly, the enemy is upon us!"

"I found them! They have an elf with them!" shouted 3 telepathically. "There they are!" he sent a telepathic image to all the rest. "Quick, ambush him! 8 and 9, attack from right and left!"

He heard 8 and 9 grant an affirmative in response. Sure enough, 8 and 9 came riding in from his left and right. 3 sighed. "Not from my left and right!" he said exasperatedly, convinced that the sun had affected both of them, "from their left and right!"

"Sorry," replied both at once. 3 waved the apology off as he saw all the rest coming into view from strategically placed positions. He felt that they were going to make it. There was no way these two individual could outrun the nine…could they?

Alas, it seemed that he had overestimated the ability of his companions, for they soon fell behind and began merely chasing after one horse with its two riders.

"You know," 2 piped up after a while of pointless chasing, "it really isn't such a good idea that all nine of us are chasing them in one line. We may easily trample and block each other, making our chase less efficient."

"But if all of us chase her, it would seem like a team effort, and we would all be paid for this effort!" chimed 4 enthusiastically.

"But—" started 6, but he was hurriedly cut off as they approached the river, and Frodo's voice rang in their ears, asking them to go back to Mordor.

"To Mordor we will take you!" most of them called together.

"Go back," Frodo whispered, just as 7 gave 1 a look that said plainly that 1 had missed the mark again and should go back to memorising the anatomy of hobbits. 1 looked away hurriedly and started thinking of something to say to draw attention away from his mistake.

"Hah, they crossed the river!" exclaimed 1, "Is the elf expecting this shallow river to protect them? Not happening!"

"Eh…1?" nudged 2, "I believe this is the Bruinen…crossing it might not be such a good idea, seeing as—"

But 2's protest was drown in shouts of onward as 1 led most of the other nazguls to charge forward, seeing it as their opportunity. He could hear many of them screeching "The Ring, The Ring!" and felt embarrassed by the behaviour of his leader, wishing that they could have said something more menacing. Soon, only 5 and him lagged behind, but 2 knew that it was only because 5 had a small phobia of water. However, he was obliged to ride on when he realised that 8's cloak tangled in his horse's reins as a result of the chase earlier (_Always told him to keep his cloak in check, and see what happened_, thought 2, slightly annoyed), and so to keep 8 from tripping (which would be very embarrassing), he rode forwards…

…And right into the onslaught of water horses.

"First fire, now water," sighed 7, as he prepared himself for the wet ride, "wonder if it would be an earthquake next."

"I hope I survive," thought 5, before realising that it was not the first time he was washed away.

Before all of them were washed downstream, 9 screamed that they will be back again.

**-To be continued-**

Reviews and comments are welcomed!

Answers to reviews:

To OneSizeFitsAll: Glad you enjoyed it! Thanks for the compliment...I think. Haha. Hopefully I am usually not too sarcastic. Hope you enjoyed this chapter as well!

To guest: Thanks! Glad to learn that you like the idea :)


	3. Chapter 4

**Nazgul Communications**

Author's Note: Yet another sporadic update! Written when I felt rather bored. Replies to reviews at the end of the chapter

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or anything, except my own ideas.

**Chapter 4 **(Chapter 1 not yet written)

At the end of the river, nine transparent beings were telepathically talking to each other. As they could not be seen nor heard, a normal being crossing that area would not have detected anything out of ordinary, or it would be a very embarrassing situation to the ringwraiths and a traumatic experience to the passerby who not only saw the wraiths, but unclothed ones at that.

There was silence for a while as each ringwraith pondered over how they could have failed, especially as when they got so close to getting the ring just a few days ago—if 1 could have gotten his wits together.

1 sighed. "Well…this is embarrassing."

5 managed to pick out his cloak from the river and stared at it, dismayed. "Everything is wet! Again! I'm going without my cloak. I hate wet clothes."

3 raised his eyebrows. "Are you sure? I can see everything of you. I can see through you."

7 gave a short laugh. "You just contradicted yourself, 3. There is nothing of us to see."

There was silence for a while as each wraith attempted to gather whatever of their belongings they had left. There were small wails of disappointment when certain belongings were lost, though none were as pathetic as that by 8 when he realised that he lost his "special jewel".

"I cannot believe I have lost it! It was my lucky jewel that I won from a long time ago!" 8 wailed whilst futilely rummaging through the silt on the river bed.

9 could not help but think that 8 deserved to lose his jewel since he did not have enough sense to not bring it on a Potentially Dangerous Mission. In fact, 9 thought rather uncharitably, given 8's carelessness, he probably lost it somewhere else rather than on this Potentially Dangerous Mission. It was then that he remembered that he picked up a sparkly jewel that he thought rolled from somewhere else just a few days ago outside 8's room.

9 snickered at this thought. Yes, 8 had definitely lost that jewel of his forever.

"What do we do now?" asked 4, "the Dark Lord will not be pleased that we have failed once again." No bonuses for them again!

"Yet return to him we must," replied 2, "for we need to regroup and get decent sword and weapons. And 1 needs to re-learn the biology of hobbits."

"It is not my fault!" 1 retorted, "you try stabbing something in the dark!"

"If all of us had stabbed him, I very much doubt that the hobbit would still be alive now. And the ring would have been ours," said 2 suggestively.

9 chipped in before 1 could say anything. "We should not sow discord now. We need to return back as soon as possible." Because I forgot to feed my pet wargs, thought 9, though he believed that it was best that he left that unsaid.

"Our horses have drowned!" said 5, dismayed. "We need to go back on foot!"

The nine ringwraiths sighed and flopped back onto the ground, staring mournfully at the skies above. Going back was bad enough, but going back on foot just made the whole journey a lot worse, although none of them were technically alive and could go as fast as possible without needing food or feeling tired.

"There goes my money…"thought 4. He was sure that he needed to buy a trained horse with his own money this time. He knew that the Dark Lord would not generous enough to give them the good steads they need when they did not seem to be achieving anything.

Which was unfortunately the case right now.

"There goes my credibility…" thought 1, unaware that he was mumbling that thought out. 2, who was sitting beside him, wondered how much 1 had to start with, before realising that the whole lot of them did not have much to start with and so sighed.

It was when all despair had come, that the Telepathic Telephone started ringing again, shocking all 9 of them. They did not know that the Dark Lord had influence when they were so far away.

"Come back at once. I know you have failed me."

All 9 of them nodded, slightly ashamed, before swiftly gathering their clothes and proceeding back to Mordor. 2 wondered if the nine of them would be fire any time soon, but realised that there was no one else capable enough of taking over their rank.

…Or was there?

**-To be continued-**

Replies to reviews :)

To Yuune5: Indeed...But at least the flying lizards looked more imposing? Though I suppose they would have been terribly hard to manoeuvre. Hmm... :)

To OneSizeFitsAll: Thanks! Will try to write more...but unfortunately (or fortunately for the Company), they don't make many appearances in the book...

To ccgaylord: Thanks! Will try!

To Lily Lindir-Aubrey: What happened to Lindsay (was that how you spelt it?)? But Lindir would have been happy, haha. Thanks! I will try to write more :)


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